Friday, December 11, 2009
car journeys.i remember them.just me and mum.me in a singlet,shorts and a cardigan or sometimes just a bra, shorts and a cardigan.shoes in a heaped pile on the floor.lolly snakes strayed all over the dash.red for mum.orange for me.the rest;out the window.we could take the long way or we could take the short way.we always took the long way.music blaring until we got to neighbourhoods where embarressment took over my mum while i sat there singing and flashing everyone the paleness of my plump breast peeping out from under my bra.sunglasses on and hair in a mess.the wind in my face felt revitalizing and refreshing and the conversations we had were forgotten but always interesting.once we got to the drive of my mums childhood home and my grandparents fort we left our shit in a heap in the car and grabbed our shoes.we didnt put them on though we just held them.my mum fixing her hair and looking...perfect.me in a heaped mess waiting at the door.sex hair and painted toe-nails.sunglasses still on and stomach bare for everyone to see.but always greeted just the same and always welcomed in.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
oh my goodness.metalwork.brady.no awkwardness at all.ok ill start from the beginning.i go and sit on a table and everyone comes over and grabs a stool and we just sit there talking.brady comes over tells me to move over and sits next to me.after a while i get tired of sitting up and lean on brady.brady puts his arm around me.behind me.i bunch him on the leg so he punches me on the top of the thigh almost to my v'jay'jay.this goes on for a while.he moves his arm and hand and has 2 fingers under my ass.everynow and then he grabs my ass.i dont care, its brady.noddi starts filming us and says "whats doug going to think of this" i laugh it off and dont really give a shit.dan moves over so someone else can sit with us aswell but can now also see where bradys hand is.im leaning on bradys chest.brady moves his arm up around my shoulders.the other frigid girls stand there and stare and make some comments which brady loudmouths back to.the guys,they dare him to grab my boob.i dont care, he grabs it and sort of plays with it in a way.i still dont care for some reason.we sat there and i should feel like such a skank etc but it feels good it feels alright.for one of my closet guy friends to do this but not my boyfriend it means something to me.bradys had his hand down my top, hes grabbed my ass, hes grabbed my boobs.whats going to happen once doug finds out.i dont want to be with him anymore anyway.
did me and brady seriesly look like we were going out.probably.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
why is it that i make a decision about something but can never keep it.i dont want you anymore yet i cant bring myself to get rid of you.your the best trash in the world and i still dont want you the way you want me.what does that make me.im hiding from you, avoiding you.why cant you get the message, why cant you take the trash out.
just like that. and i dont want to go out with you anymore.i know that seems heartless and wrong.but i dont know how to explain it.i feel nothing towards you in a couple way but in a friend way i will always cherish you.some people hate being single.they are desperate for love.single to me is good.not saying that being in love isnt.but to me when im single i dont feel so bad when perving on other guys and i can bag you out without feeling like a bad girlfriend.its going to be tough.i want to say it to your face but i dont know if i can.everyone will call me dog.but most people know ive never been to enthusiastic about being with you.yes, im a total bitch yehh i know, but ive thought about it, really, i trully have.im just praying to god you havent bought me a christmas present because how am i suppose to break up with you when your about to give me a gift.
sweet disposition-the temper trap
book-like i give a frock
the weirdest bit is people probably think im upset in some sort of way about this unfortunate event of my feelings changing, but to tell you all the truth, im in a lovely mood.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
what happens when i stop thinking.i think im not thinking.but really the whole time i myself am thinking about not thinking.let me light my candles.let me go off into my own world.and let me fall asleep in class tomorrow because i stayed up thinking.because i stayed up playing with fire.how am i suppose to act tomorrow.depressed with my family, happy with the me part of my life, or unprganized, worried. or maybe just tired.ill just lay in class and dream.half in reality and half staring at you in a new world.
what am i doing.i have a boyfriend.your voice reminds me of a guy at schools voice.your so sweet and all but i dont see you i only talk to you on msn.i know doug may seem like a shit boyfriend but i cant explain.but if i start and when i do think about you i know its bad but i cant help it.please stop saying sorry stop saying your thinking of me, let me clear all my files.let me think.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
secret scibbled notebooks-joanne horniman.
If you describe someone's attitude as unequivocal, you mean that it is completely clear and very firm.admitting of no doubt or misunderstanding; having only one meaning or interpretation and leading to only one conclusion.
Anais Nin said to write is to descend, to excavate, to go underground and that is what it was like.i felt like an adventurer, an explorer, descending into my own life and bringing it back into the light.
i was up till 1am just talking to Dieter.Now, Doug i know you think that me and Dieter have something going on behind your back and we sort of do.Im not going to lie about it.But when you get a text like this not from your boyfriend but one of your closest friends, it makes you sit up and think.
>No matter what i am always here for you.If you ever need help or ever need to talk, i am here.im always here for you night or day, rain or shine(:
i dont know what the future is planning for me and i know im not going to try and plan my life.im sick of my mum doing that for me and spontanous is the path my spirit has decided to walk.
we went to the movies.we saw a movie about lieing.what have you lied to me about i wonder.we all went swimming at naths.i saw your chest.i saw its whiteness.but it didnt bother me.i was afraide to look at you at first.afraid i would stare.but when i did.i was content with the fact that it was perfect, to me it looked like something comforting but also protecting.you have abbs when you want to but the flatness of your stomach doesnt turn me off.its somehow more of an attraction really.i was embarressed by my own body.unsure what you would think of it.you kept looking at me and i nearly always caught you.but it was okay.you didnt look away, not without a few more seconds of looking at me while i knew.whenever i looked at you i always noticed your eyes.perfect sky blue.it felt right having them looking at me.i was cold.the veins in my legs revealing themselves with outright confidence.you came over and hugged me.for a long time it felt like, we just stood there.skin next to skin.no one thinks were going out the way we act.its awkward but somehow not in a bad way.i worry too much, i do admit.im not confident and you are but arent at the same time.i dont know how to act and i spend too long thinking of something im about to do.help me out, be more like nathan.learn from him.it was like a party of four.the way we were all so happy and carefree for that time.and then it ends with a game of pool and the hugs of goodbye.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
So i didnt go to school today and i had breakfast i ate wraps for lunch had some ice-blocks and then some fruit in the arvo.Now im just waiting for someone to get home so that i can go for a walk.
secret scribbled notebooks--joanne horniman
if my heart was a house--owl city
la la la la la la laaaa la la la la laaaa>>i think i should stay at home and sing all day.listen to music and dance in my hawaiian jim-jams.i think i should stop thinking for the day.me and shell should go shopping and we should invite jayanne with us to go down in my old tv box down the hill with too many holes and not enough flowers.the beach.we are all going to have to catch the bus to the beach and eat ice-cream.we will swim in the ocean and write our names in the sand>we will get thrashed throughtout the ocean currents and laugh as we go on a shell expedition.good times.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
i feel like going out---i feel like drinking i feel like smoking and i feel like having a good time,i feel like not sitting around on my ass all the time.i feel like dancing on railway tracks and dancing under the moon---but for once being around you is not one and being around my friends is.
the no swearing policy.swearing is unlady-like and so most of us are trying to stop which includes the guys;;for reasons unknown.and the rule is if you swear someone has to punch you(extremly hard) on your arm.now its hard to live up to that, because whenever you ask a guy they will most likely say no, and there is no point in even asking your boyfriend because of course he will make out that he is mr superman and no way would he hit you just in case his louzy punch accidently hurt you.now we all know that wouldnt happen but at least they are kind enough to care about you getting hurt.so always get your girl friends to punch you and if your girl friends arent around at the time then you all have to keep a tally of how many times you swear and then when you see them next KA-POW!!
people had to tell you how to hug me today.isnt that just a human instinct.but i guess;your different.your someone else.your someone who isnt going to turn out working at a fast food shop at 23.your someone who wouldnt cheat on me, or pressure me,not stick up for me.your best friend tells me to piss off and you get up and tell him to stop being a dick.thank you.someone punches me on the arm and you say "oii leave her alone alright".even if it is muking around.you care and thats all i really need to know.im thinking about you right now.im thinking about how you leave your arms resting on the lower half of my back and im thinking about how when you know im down you come over and have fun with me.i like you;;more than i thought i did yesterday.and im glad i have Rachelle to tell all this to.
school is almost over.its weird; how everyone cant wait for the year to end but then you think; that year went too fast and how can it possibly end already.that is how this year is to me.so much has changed.alot bad, but those small sparkles of good have started shining now and it puts everything in a new perspective.a healthy;positive and absolutely fantastic perspective.be careful everyone;my brains actually funtioning today.
why do you act like this.one minute i am the one you always want to be around and the next you are pointing out my small, un-meaningfull flaws.everyone needs flaws no one is perfect.flaws are what make people different.im not going to change for you.i want to keep you, oh god, i want to tie you to me so i can always feel you breathing next to me....but you know you have to accept me.